Still in chronic pain at night, with this awful aching in my upper body, waking every two hours, so no decent night's sleep for over 2 months now. The pain is just about bearable during the day when I'm moving about. Ibuprofen helps a bit. GP has referred me to a rheumatologist, so at least some progress. Just waiting for an appointment now. Hope it won't be too long, so that I can get a proper diagnosis with appropriate treatment.
I've also applied to the council to have a walk in shower fitted, so on waiting list for that. The bath is getting difficult to get in to use the overhead shower.
It's surprising how many fairly young people are suffering with various forms of arthritis. I'm on a facebook support group and so many of them are young mums. I suppose I am lucky that I was fit enough when my children were young.
This latest flare up started with no warning though and doesn't seem to be easing anytime soon, plus I have a permanently sore throat and flu like feeling with it. Very weird. No antibiotics offered so presumably GP thinks its viral.
Of course I realise there are people much worse off than me, with chronic, incurable illnesses. I just need to know what I'm dealing with, so I can come to terms with it. I don't want to spend what time I have left in such awful pain and sleeplessness.
I'm finding it very hard to keep positive at the moment.
Seeing as it's National Poetry Day today, here is one of my old ones with an added last verse.
AUTUMN ONCE MORE
Cool and crisp is the air today,
Autumnal aromas on the breeze.
Shrubs of evergreen, all blending
with gold-flecked broad-leaf trees.
Berry-bright brown hedgerows,
a precious feast for birds to share.
Apples waiting to be harvested,
so tempting hanging there.
Cold spells will change the colours,
to Autumn glory unsurpassed.
Giving that display we love
and remember from the past.
Soon the earth will be a carpet
of russet, red and gold.
when trees shed lacy foliage
as they have, since days of old.
As Autumn heralds in the winter
with those mists and frosty morns
Time for rainbows after showers,
fire-red skies at break of dawn.
I don't seem to be any nearer in finding out what is wrong with me, as my latest blood tests came back as normal according to the receptionist when I phoned the other day.
I feel no better and wake every hour or so in the night in such awful pain in my upper body and nothing is helping much. It has been going on for over 6 weeks now. I have another appointment with GP on Monday, though expect I'll be fobbed off with more pills. I'm finding it hard to get showered and dressed in the mornings. Trying to tie my long hair up with useless painful hands and arms is a nightmare, so think I will have to have it cut short.
I can really understand now why people in chronic pain wish to end their lives. Nobody should be expected to suffer and not have that choice. Let's just hope my pain is not going to be permanent then and the docs will be able to get to the cause and treat it. Not having a proper diagnosis is so frustrating.
I'm not one to give up easily and have always been a strong person, but it's getting to the stage when enough is enough.
I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life like this, if there is nothing to be done.
There, I've said it.
Well, I went to see my GP yesterday. She checked my throat and said it was a viral infection. Of course my temperature was completely normal, even though I feel that the grim reaper has earmarked me as a likely contender soon, especially at night! I have never known pain like it. Unlike labour pains, there is no joyful end result. She also sent me for another blood test and prescribed Naproxen twice daily, which has yet to kick in. I had to take 2nd dose at 2 30am, with a couple of biscuits, as you have to take them with food, but it didn't make any difference at all. Woke up in agony every couple of hours in the night.
I eagerly await blood test results. No doubt they will show up another bout of hypocondria!!
If this agony is all in my mind it's doing a bloody excellent job..
How I manage to keep on waking up each morning is a miracle, seeing as I feel like death! Not that I'm getting a decent night's sleep very often for the last fortnight or so, as the pain is almost unbearable and painkillers don't do much. A glass of Scotch works better I reckon. I never thought arthritis could be this bad. I feel like I've got the 'flu, but without the chills and sweating. My throat is constantly sore, though I had my jab last year. Only my top half aches though which is strange. I can barely use my hands, though it does seem to ease a bit once I'm up. I can't remember the last flare up lasting this long, or as severe.
I will make a GP appt after bank holiday Monday if I last that long...
Physically today I feel about a hundred, with this awful arthritis, but all I can do is to keep going, plus keep taking the painkillers. Today however, I am going back to bed for a while with a hot water bottle, as this seems to ease my painful hands and wrists.
Hopefully, I will feel better by the weekend. I wanted to get out and do things in the garden today, but just not up to it. Pity, as it looks nice out there.
Best laid plans and all that...
My wrists/ hands are very painful at the moment, making everyday tasks seem difficult, eg doing my bra up at the back and even wiping my bum after a poo. (prob too much info on the latter!)
Sciatica, on my right side seems to have reared its ugly head again and walking, getting up from sitting etc, is quite painful. I think I am slowly falling to pieces, but it may all go away, as it has done in the past. Fingers crossed. I may have to get the folding walking stick out of retirement! Keeping my sense of humour really helps, plus keep taking the tablets!
The main thing is, I'm starting to enjoy life again after losing my lovely Paul. I know he would want me to. I can still get about thank goodness and I'm still here and there are people much worse off than myself.
My motto is "Life is short but precious - nothing matters more than life, so strive to be kind"
Yes, I have had yet another water leak in the front garden, this time by the meter. We had a major one half way up our path last summer, when they had to fit a new mains and dig half the front path and flowerbeds up. I let housing association know and they were going to send an inspector out next Monday, but I cancelled, as the leak got progressively worse and I had people knocking on my door whilst I was out, according to my neighbour. The water by now was running on to the public footpath.
Anyway I rang Anglian Water and they sent a rather handsome young man out for me to sign a form to allow them to dig.
They have since repaired leak and moved the meter to the public footpath, so it is not in my garden anymore. Just needs cementing in, so still cordoned off. Anyhow, I'm glad it's done.
Luckily, no path or flowerbeds were harmed in this operation!
Makes a change from last time..
The weekend was wonderful with the wedding on Saturday of my youngest daughter Karen to Tom. St Peter de Merton is a lovely church and the service was perfect, with loads of us attending, including Tom's Scottish relatives, with a couple of lovely men in kilts!
I do love to see a man in a kilt, so if there are any nice single Scotsmen, around my age out there, I'm available!
The bride and groom looked wonderful. Karen's long wedding dress was beautiful and she looked a picture in it. Tom looked very smart in his navy suit, as did best man Stuart, plus Tom's son James and my grandson Ryan, all in matching navy suits, who proudly walked his mum down the aisle and gave her away.
Luckily the rain held off long enough for the photos outside the church, taken by my lovely eldest daughter Anna and though she is stiĺl editing them, what I've seen so far are great. I took a few snaps too, as did many of the guests.
The reception was lovely, with plenty to eat, buffet style and of course, the all important wedding cake, a 2 tier lemon and blueberry sponge, topped with champagne satin icing - really delicious. Seventh Heaven in Bedford Arcade did a great job. I would definitely recommend them.
I was lucky enough, plus it was the highlight of my day to meet the lovely young singer Tom Grennan, who was kind enough to have a selfie snap with me. I love his music, so it was a treat to meet him in the flesh. He was born in Bedford and best friends withTom's son James. Ryan knows him too.
The DJ was good, with a nice selection of 60's upwards music, plus some Scottish ones too, reflecting the groom's Scottish roots. I love "Flower of Scotland" so it was lovely to hear them all proudly joining in, me too, though I didn't know all the words!
I wish them both all the happiness in the world. It was a really beautiful day that I'll remember for ever. ❤❤
Feeling a bit sorry for myself, due to hips and back playing up. Not sure if it's a return of sciatica, general arthritis, or some neuropathy related to my diabetes, as right foot and lower leg, slightly numb. Finding it hard to walk normally too. Will try to get GP appt, but no doubt it will not be forthcoming this week. Seeing nurse re diabetes review early August, so will mention it then anyway.
I really want to be fit for the wedding on Saturday. I also have a red (gnat) bite mark on my forehead, which is taking its time to go, despite taking a anti-histamine daily. Good job I have a fringe which mostly hides it!
I feel like a right old whinger at the moment - not like me at all...
Oh well, onwards and upwards as they say!
Sometimes enough is enough!! A short poem on domestic abuse.
Flowers and jewels
Holidays and cruises
Top hotels abroad,
Anything he chooses.
Sparkling champagne. Treats and nice lunches
But when they get home, she ducks from his punches.
Top fashion couture
The latest designs
Face lift and fillers
To rid all those lines
A beautiful home
With gadgets galore
But her life is pure hell, behind that front door.
Luxury white linen,
adorns the large bed
No expenses spared
It has to be said.
She wants for nothing, should be living those dreams
No neighbours around,
to hear her loud screams.
Now crimson red linen, adorns the large bed
He lies there, so silent,
For certain, he's dead.
She tries to recall "when did it all start?"
But she knows how it ends, with a knife through his heart.
Sitting out in the garden this beautiful evening, taking in the lovely combined scents of my roses, sweet peas, mixed stocks and dianthus.
It doesn't seem a year since me and Paul were sitting here enjoying the cooler air. I still sit the same side of the table, even though I have both the patio chairs to myself. Funny that, but as they say, old habits die hard.
The midwife toads have not been half so noisy this year. Paul would be pleased about that, as he often went in before me, as the racket they made drove him bonkers!
Everything is really blooming now and I wish he were here with me to enjoy it all this summertime, but then, maybe he is..
I've been busy in the front garden with the help of Colin, my friend, who I know from school. He has made a great job of the borders and I have, at last, planted my 3 yellow roses and lavender.
I only mowed the lawns Sunday, but they look as if the need doing again. They will have to wait, as I have more planting to do. Not sure whether to go on the Higgins walk tomorrow, as might be aching too much after my efforts today. It depends on how I feel in the morning. I haven't been for two weeks running due to the awful weather and flipping painful sciatica. Thankfully, the latter seems much better, as is the weather!
I think Paul would be pleased to see the front looking tidier, plus the new roses, as he loved them, as I do.
I saw a lady yesterday who used to live in the village and she asked me how he was. She felt awful when I told her he died last November.
I expect this will happen quite frequently.. ❤
Alone in a crowd
People talking out loud
No one notices you're there.
You feel utter despair
Too polite to complain,
Feeling weak with disdain
Your views never heard
Maybe they're too absurd?
So you pen them instead
And hope they'll be read.
Others talking so loud
You feel alone in a crowd.
How I feel sometimes!
Don't know about "Sleepless in Seattle" but definitely sleepless in Bromham - well at least for me! It doesn't help that the midwife toads have started up again with their bleeping. They keep stopping and starting which makes it worse.
I've probably spent too much time on social media today, so no one to blame for my insomnia, but me.
Maybe a small glass of milk will help...
There is much coverage on the BBC at the moment regarding the menopause. Twenty-five years ago I was going through mine. It was an awful time as I recall. My symptoms were really awful, especially at night. I would get awful hot sweats, but the worst thing was the frightening heart palpitations. Even at 77, I still get them occasionally, though not anywhere near as scary. I can usually control them with breathing exercises.
In the 1990s though, I really thought I had a heart problem and frequently complained to my GP. I had tests eg, wearing a 24 hr heart trace, but nothing abnormal showed up. The annoying thing is, I was never given any explanation for my symptoms, as to whether it was actually the menopause causing it. I got the impression that I should just go away and put up with it. I felt I was wasting their time. Many of my friends didn't seem to have the same symptoms as me and I felt very alone, with mine. I was never offered HRT as the doctor I saw at the time said it wasn't "the be all and end all" cure!
Aa a result I spent many nights lying in bed, thinking I was going out of my mind.
It's great to know that times have changed for the women of today and that the menopause is discussed openly and more sympathetically.
Plastic on the beaches,
Filthy, fetid seas
Pollution ridden air
Have brought us to our knees.
Forests disappearing, trees become diseased.
Rubbish dumped below us,
for our greed to be appeased.
Is it too late to make changes?
Can we restore and be renewed?
I don't think that it will happen.
In fact, I think we're screwed.
I had a lovely holiday with my friends on the beautiful Isle of Wight. We stayed at the Holliers hotel in Shanklin. A very quaint old hotel with a decidedly wonky, sloping floor, in the room I shared with a friend - by the end of our stay we had just about got used to it. Good job I stayed relatively sober then, as the drinks were a bit pricey!
Shanklin is very pretty with numerous tea shops, quaint pubs and craft shops.
The hotel food was great, a carvery every evening, though there were alternatives for those who fancied a change. Self serve breakfasts too - lovely grub.
We had a tour of the island on the second day which took in Alum Bay with the famous Needles. There was a slight change in the tour, as we went to the Pearl shop next instead of Ventnor, which is lovely but very steep for those with mobility problems.
I remember when I first went to the island, Paul bought me a beautiful pair of earrings from Isle of Wight Pearl. It must have been around 2006. They seemed a reasonable price then, but I couldn't afford anything this time, as it was all way out of my price range, which was disappointing. Still the cafe made up for it, with a delicious homemade scone and butter! Paul would have enjoyed that, bless him ❤
Then on to Godshill, a very pretty village with its nice, upmarket craft/souvenir shops and of course the famous model village. We didn't visit though, as I have been before, it was too much of a hike. The gardens around the old smithy are very beautiful and well kept. I managed to hit the bell over the well with a coin and make a wish!
Next day was to Osborne House, where Queen Victoria spent happy times with Prince Albert and their children. She died there. We had a good look round the beautiful rooms. The grounds are beautiful too. The Isle of Wight has only our native red squirrels, no greys, thank goodness. Unfortunately they were being very elusive and none of us spied any all week. I did see a couple on my Scottish holiday in March though.
The tea room was very busy and no seats inside, so we managed to get a seat outside - bit breezy but bearable. We bought a few souvenirs and got a seat inside later for another cuppa.
Last trip of the week was to the steam railway and museum which was interesting and brought back childhood memories of travelling on these mighty beasts. I recall loving the sulphurous aroma plus sitting in the old carriages, with leather straps to fasten the door windows. The train did not disappoint as it had all these features. We had chips and coffee in the cafe. We then went on to Ryde for a couple of hours.
Very hilly again,
so we spent most of the time in a nice pub as it would have been too much of a struggle coping with the incline. On the whole a good day out though.
The evening entertainment was pretty good, but very loud on our delicate pensioner lugholes! The best one was a Frank Sinatra style singer, Chris Beard, who kindly posed for a snap with the three of us! For some strange reason he reminded me of my future son-in-law Tom!
I couldn't help feeling sad at times though, that my lovely Paul wasn't there with me, as he loved the Isle of Wight ever since our first visit together in 2006. He would be pleased that I returned once more. I hope to go back, again and again. To me, it will always be our island ❤
Another beautiful day despite a dull start.
All the deciduous trees are greening up as the blossoms start to fade.
Paul loved this time of the year as I do. Our favourite season of renewal and optimism. I just wish he was here to share it with me. Maybe he is nearer than I think ❤
I had my £1 lasagne from Tesco lunchtime, with salad. Very nice too. I'd better cook something from scratch tomorrow though, as too easy to get into the habit of convenience food, when you are on your own.
I enjoyed my walk with our little group from The Higgins this morning. We walked a little further this week, mostly around the embankment. I didn't get so out of breath despite chatting to Lucy on our travels. Although it was slightly windy, but not particularly cold, I even worked up a slight sweat. Hopefully getting fitter each week.
We stopped for coffee (plus eccles cake for me) in Bunyan meeting cafe and I got chatting to Terry who like me, enjoys writing and has been published. He is going to download his novel for me, so I look forward to reading it.
I did start one myself, a romance with a twist to the plot, but I cannot find it anywhere online, so must have deleted it, though I did email drafts of the first few chapters to my sis. Maybe she still has them. I did print them all out, but they could have been lost when we moved here three years ago.
They may also be on one of my old laptops if I can get them working again!
I keep looking out the front window at my overgrown patch of lawn - a very tiresome pastime viewing overgrown lawns Z z z z!
Nose is dripping eyes are red.
Throat is sore, pain in head.
Bones all aching, feel like death.
Chest is hurting, taking breath.
Cannot sleep, now nose is blocked.
Paracetamol, aspirins, all well stocked.
Sleep, just sleep is what I crave.
But this bug has got me, I'm it's slave.
It's holding me, won't let me be.
Must wait a week to be set free?
Until then, it's sniffs and snot.
A bloody cold is what I've got!
My holiday at The Ardgartan Hotel in Argyll and Bute, with Lochs and Glens was wonderful. I would recommend them to you all, as the best value for money coach holiday. The meals were excellent plus the rooms were very spacious. The woodland grounds are very beautiful even in March. I can only imagine how it must look in summer when the trees are in full leaf or in spring when the bluebells are covering the ground.
On our trip to Benmore gardens we saw a few red squirrels, lovely to see them in the flesh! They have an avenue of majestic redwood trees and beautiful rhododendrens, many already in bloom.
Scotland really earns its reputation as being "Bonnie". Just a shame about the litter and a dumped freezer in some of the beauty spots! I expect the strong winds were responsible for some of it though.
Loch Lomond and The Trossachs national park is spectacular. The dining room at the hotel overlooks the beautiful Loch Long with the snow-capped Ben Lomond in the background. I had great views from my hotel room too, lovely to look out on in the early morning - no traffic to be heard, just birdsong.
We only had one bad weather day when we went on our Loch Lomond cruise over to Inverary, a very pretty place with a beautiful waterfall.
We visited Glasgow on the Monday and the sun shone all day. It is a beautiful, historic city and the shops were great as well. The riverside transport museum was fascinating too, with a large collection of vintage trams, buses cars etc, plus reconstructions of how shops would have looked yesteryear. Well worth a visit.
Naturally I came home armed with shortbread and a haggis from Moffat's, on our return journey.
Paul would be pleased I made it this time ❤
These are my thoughts. I don't suffer from depression, but am aware it can happen to anyone.
Rich or poor, it doesn't discriminate.
Black or white, whatever your ethnicity - Gay or straight?
It couldn't care less.
Good looking or average.
Successful or not.
Friendly or friendless.
Outgoing or introvert.
It makes no difference who you are.
Man, woman or child.
That dark cloud of despair, can consume your mind.
It doesn't give a damn.
Yesterday was a good day. I enjoyed my "walk" at the Higgins, although the only walking we did was around the museum, as apparently there has to be 2 volunteers present, presumably for health and safely reasons which is fair enough. The weather was pretty awful too, so we would have got quite wet and wind blown!
I have to admit I have never looked around the museum in all the years I have lived in Bedford, but I found it so interesting. The time went very quickly and we will explore the rest of it on the next inclement day. The sun did eventually come out and a few of us walked to the Bunyan Meeting for a coffee and chatted on various topics - music being one of them - really enjoyed that.
The Bunyan Meeting is a beautiful church. Although I'm not religious, churches do exude a feeling of peace and tranquility. I love that and all the history and beautiful architecture of these wonderful buildings. The coffee was excellent too. My sis would love it in there, though it is quite a distance to walk from the bus station if you are not so able-bodied.
Looking forward to my next walk in a couple of weeks. Let's hope the sun will shine on us.
Another wet and windy forecast today, by the look of that huge conifer ominously swaying in my neighbour's garden..
I'm looking forward to the well being walk tomorrow morning from The Higgins museum, weather willing - let's hope it won't be torrential rain like earlier this am. One of the organisers said they sometimes stay in and look round the museum if weather is bad, so all would not be lost. They seem a pleasant, welcoming bunch.
Last week I got slightly out of breath walking and talking at the same time, not that we were doing a particularly fast pace, but I do tend to rabbit on a bit, when I find someone interesting to talk to. Must get fitter and walk more often, not just on the Friday.
I am thinking about joining a creative writing group. Apparently they do a couple at The Guildhouse. I think The Higgins do one also.
Friends have suggested I send one of my stories to a women's magazine, but I tend not to write "Mills and Boon" type of material. I will think about it though and maybe try and write something romantic. Mine tend to be slightly dark!
I have posted a few on here.
All comments welcome.
We walked in the freedom of fields, holding hands as in days gone by.
Our black and white staffie, so friendly to all, ran happily by our side.
The sun was shining, such a beautiful day. I felt peace and a feeling of well being.
I thought to myself - I will remember this day.
But then I woke up and it was just a lovely dream. We never had a staffie and you are gone, my love.
I miss you so much.
A friend said to me recently that the first thing he would get rid of, if he were ever to be on his own, would be the TV.
I had to disagree. TV has kept me sane, as the awful silence of being on your own, when you have been used to having a loved one to talk with, is very hard to adjust to. More so, if you liked and laughed at the same things - or maybe even disagreeing or getting mad with them from time to time. I miss all this simple communication, something I took for granted.
I will have to let Bradley Walsh and the Chasers know that they have helped me through some dark days and nights, by watching endless episodes, plus repeats of "The Chase"
Forget religion - my TV is my God and saviour - for the time being anyway!
Got up late, so having a very lazy daisy day. I was going in town to pick up my prescription but can't be bothered - tomorrow will do. Besides, I might be tempted to spend more money and I will need it more for my holiday.
It looks like it's a beautiful day out there, so may get out in the garden. I keep saying this...!
Like most people, I suspect, I long for warmer days when I can sit outside and enjoy the garden. I am thinking of getting another rescue dog, as it would be good company and get me moving more, to keep in trim. A smallish one would suit. It's a big undertaking, what with vet bills etc, so serious thought must be given.
I do love dogs.
Well, Valentine's day has come and gone - I need not have bothered clearing that shelf for all the cards!
Joking apart, I felt a bit sad because Paul and me completely forgot to buy each other a card last year, though we did go for a Valentine meal, as I recall. It never occurred to me then, it would be our last.
Going to see the patient (eldest daughter with broken leg) in Clapham later. Will take a few goodies. I hope she'll soon be back on her feet.
It's my Granddaughter Kim's birthday today, 34. Makes me feel really old, as doesn't seem that long ago I was that age. Time is passing much too quickly for my liking. Let's hope my passport doesn't take much longer then!
Better wrap up later, as it is very frosty out there, but looks like another beautiful day.
I'm pleased with my new Poetry for Pleasure facebook page. Have had quite a few likes and comments. I added one new poem too.
Have a good day all.
Having one of those nights again where sleep is evading me, so time to blog methinks.
It is now Tuesday morning. I applied online yesterday afternoon, for my first ever passport. It seemed to go quite smoothly, apart from them telling me that the passport photo I uploaded looked as if my eyes were partly closed. I explained that this is how they always are and I can't open them any wider, without it being uncomfortable. Don't these people make allowances for old age, for goodness sake! Bloody silly computer I expect. Anyway it let me continue,with verification, sent off, for their scrutiny. Just have to send documents they ask for now. I expect it will take ages but I'm not in a rush.
Had a lovely birthday meal out, Saturday night with friends at The Peking Palace. I tried everything apart from squid - didn't much fancy that. The duck was lovely though.
Then on Sunday I had a lovely roast dinner round my youngest daughter's, so well spoilt. She and Tom bought me some gorgeous presents too.
Just one person missing from all this...he would have enjoyed it all too.
xx
❤
I have a feeling I won't sleep very well tonight. I watched the finale of Les Miserables. I have not read the book by Victor Hugo, so don't know how faithful this interpretation is, but anyhow, I really enjoyed it, especially Dominic West's superb performance. Such a sad ending though and of course it reminded me of my own recent loss.
Some days I feel fine and cope very well. Other times I miss Paul so much, I just want to be on my own to cry, on and off. Today is one of those days.
It will be my 77th birthday on Thursday and we would probably have celebrated it, by having a meal in Paul's Cafe. How I miss those ordinary, simple little pleasures.
I still can't help thinking that if that nurse practitioner had done an ECG, she may have picked up an irregular heartbeat and he might have got treatment sooner. It's no good beating myself up over it though, as nothing will bring him back. I can't rewind the last few months - I wish I could.
To use some well worn platitudes, I will have to learn to live with it and hope time will heal my broken heart.
I downloaded an app and got some of my photos printed. I have framed one of our selfies, taken on holiday, plus the last ever photo of Paul that I took, with him sitting on a bench on the village green in August last year. He looked so relaxed and well in that snap - hard to believe then, he only had months to live.
I miss you my love xx
I've spent quite a few days at home lately, partly due to feeling ill with some headachey, feeling yuk, sort of virus and partly due to waiting for various parcel deliveries - one being my new mobile.
I upgraded, as other one didn't seem to be compatible with some of my apps. Pleased with its performance so far and it has a better camera too.
I cooked a very healthy meal today - pan- fried (not as posh as it sounds) salmon steak, with steamed green beans, carrots plus oven cooked potato wedges. Very tasty. Paul wasn't a great fan of fish, unless it was cod 'n chips, so I didn't bother much. He was much happier with red meat. I miss him so much still, as it's so quiet here without that hearty laugh of his. I usually have chicken or a pork chop on a Sunday, now it's just me, unless dining with friends or my youngest daughter.
Anna, my eldest had another Xray today and they found another broken bone on the other side of her leg as they only did one side, even though she had complained it was hurting there also. Seems rather incompetent to me, especially as she works at the hospital. So much for looking after your own! It will be a much longer recovery time now. I'm going over to see her later in the week, with some goodies to cheer her up.
I am hoping to meet my old workmates tomorrow, as I couldn't make it Monday. I hope the snow doesn't fall tonight. The buses through Springfield Drive are running erratically at the moment, as Anglian Water are digging up our end of Grange lane again, due to another burst. Let's hope my bus turns up tomorrow.
Goodnight all - sweet dreams x
I had a nice day in Kempston with my lovely friends. I wanted to look in the Barnados shop nr Sainsburys, but it was shut. Did a bit of shopping in Sainsburys and the market, then back to my friends house for lunch and later tea.
I am going on holiday to bonnie Scotland with them and more of their friends in March, so really looking forward to that. Paul would be pleased that I am finally going, as we had to cancel ours a couple of years ago, re. problems with his foot due to diabetes.
It will be my first holiday there. I will enjoy it I'm sure. Just wish Paul could share it with me.
I had a nice day over my friends in Kempston yesterday and stayed at theirs overnight. Good food and great company with them and two neighbours I hadn't met before , plus a couple we had previously met when Paul was alive. Neighbour Doreen was there too, so good to catch up with her. We all had a good laugh, especially with the wine flowing. Paul would have enjoyed the evening so much. My heart still cries for him in quiet, solitary moments as it's embarrassing to bawl in front of people 😤❤
Very icy first thing coming back home to Bromham this am, but I had left the heating on low, so bungalow was lovely and warm. Caught up with Casualty and a few other recorded programmes. Microwaved one of my Iceland Slimming World meals as forgot to get chicken out yesterday! It was some king prawn, noodle, veggie thingy, but not bad. Then had just one mini strawberry viennetta - lovely.
Meeting my old Ashleigh House care home workmates tomorrow for our usual coffee and chat. My friend Sarah is still coping with the loss of her husband last August. Hard to imagine then, I would be in the same boat just a few months later.
Such is life..
I had a nice day over eldest daughter Anna's yesterday. Took a Tesco lasagne over to cook, plus garlic bread and salad ( well, at least something healthy there!)
Very tasty and went down well with naughty but nice, belgian choc eclair and coffee, prior to the meal. SW would not approve!
It was good to see her little dog Filo again and he was all over me, mainly because of the choc eclairs he could smell in my bag!
I managed to get bus back to Bedford from Clapham ok, as obviously Anna unable to drive at the moment. I think boredom is the main thing now as she has to rest the broken leg.
Looks as if she will be off work for quite a while. One of her hospital colleagues has kindly been driving her to appointments. Times like this I wish I had learned.
Spent most of late afternoon and evening watching tv and went to bed about 11pm and slept well for a change. Haven't decided whether to go out today or not as woke up about 6 and dozed off again having weird dreams (no change there)
I might stay in and sort porch cupboards out, as they are full of stuff that Paul acquired over the years, including his toolbox. Not much chance of me using the tools, apart from a screwdriver. I would be lethal wielding a drill and would probably zap myself drilling through an electric cable!
I can hear Paul saying "Leave well alone Wilson!"
Can't get to sleep. Seem to be having quite a few nights like this - annoying as my ECG appt is early this morning. I'm not feeling particularly anxious about it. Might have a small glass of milk, sometimes helps me nod off.
Going to see Anna later and taking her some red grapes - says she's fed up with the green ones. She will need a load of physio once the broken ankle is sorted - hope she won't need plates in it. A worrying time.
My sis said it's going to be very cold today, so I had better wrap up, especially if it turns out my ticker is a bit dodgy, as getting cold thickens the blood apparently, especially in us old dodderers! A cheerful prospect.
I really don't like this old age thingy and the health problems it can bring. I still feel fairly fit and have a mental age of 30 ish!! Pity I don't look it though.😕
I had hoped that me and Paul would grow really old together, but staying young at heart - alas, it was not to be.
Let me get that small glass of milk now . I can imagine Paul saying " FFS, just go
to sleep woman!"
Bless him ❤ xx
Feeling lazy this am. I'm usually up, washed or showered by now, but stll in dressing gown. Trying to update and reinstall my banking app, but keeps saying my phone is incompatible with this version, but it doesn't give me alternative in play store. Will have to go in bank and find out why as never had this problem before.
So much for technology and not so smart phones!
The sun has decided to shine so cheered me up a bit. Will watch more daytime TV as can't be bothered to go out today. Expecting parcels too.
Not looking forward to ECG tomorrow - hope they don't find anything sinister ❤!
Fingers crossed.
I had my diabetes review this morning. Nearly missed my appointment as the bus was 15 mins late.
It went well on the whole, as my blood sugar is still going down since I lost some weight, thanks to Slimming World. I have decided to go on Metformin as they keep suggesting I should. Hope I don't get any long term side effects.
BP was fine too, but nurse thought my pulse was slightly irregular, so has booked me an ECG for Thursday. I have checked it myself and thought it seemed to skip a beat now and then for no reason. Seeing as what happened to Paul, with his unforeseen heart problems, I don't want to ignore any symptoms. It may be nothing and quite normal for me.
I hope so.
Having a lazy dressing gown day at the minute, though I will probably get my arse in gear later. I had asked my eldest daughter Anna round for lunch today, but she texted me to say she was in hospital after falling over and breaking her ankle last night.
She's home now, ankle in plaster, staying round her fella's place so at least has support. She will be off work a while I expect and will need some physio when its set.
I don't think many people read this blog, as I rarely get any comments, though it is linked to my facebook account.
I get the odd comment on there, if I share the link occasionally. It's more for me really I suppose, to air my thoughts. Since Paul died on that fateful November day, I have been on here much more. I find it really helps, maybe it's like a form of therapy. I must start writing a few more poems and stories. Paul always encouraged me and thought my efforts were brilliant, bless him. Slightly biased no doubt!
Roll on Spring. Paul's favourite season and mine. I hope he's happy in the Spring garden at Norse Road. Love you and miss you, my lovely Paul xx❤
Of all the exclusive shops in Milton Keynes, the one we spent actual money in, was Poundland - not as if we haven't got a couple in Bedford! 😃 Paul would laugh at that ❤
Me and friend Viv had a chicken sandwich, though it looked suspiciously like a bap to me, plus large fries in Macdonalds - don't tell Slimming World. Sarah and Jean had a chicken wrap. I enjoy a bit of junk food occasionally and we did plenty of walking to hopefully burn it off.
Got back in Bedford and bought a pair of matching duck egg blue bedside lamps from QD. Pleased with them.
Last of the big spenders springs to mind, but I enjoyed the day out.
Tony from across the road kindly brought my bird feeder station over that I'd ordered from Amazon and I have attempted to assemble it. Paul usually did these jobs. I will place it in the garden tomorrow and see if it stays up 😕
Out again tomorrow for Burn's lunch where I will have my first taste of haggis!
Must get blood test done Friday as diabetes review coming up next week.
What an exciting life!
I had a nice day today, on the whole - met my good friend Maureen in town and we did some shopping and popped in Paul's cafe for a late breakfast. It was only the third time I've been in there since Paul died😕
Paul, the owner, is going to do some more healthy meals, so will look forward to them being on the new menu. I need to get back in shape, as it's so easy to comfort eat, especially with Christmas and the awful sadness I feel, but I have to remember I'm diabetic now and need to watch my sugar and fat intake, plus I've got rid of most of my former size ?s, ha ha, so don't want to go back there again!
So back to Slimming World on Monday, as I think Paul would want me to carry on with it, especially as I did meet my target weight of 10 st 11lbs. He was so pleased for me. Probably gone well over that now!
I bought some Weightwatchers citrus yogurts yesterday when my lovely friends took me to Sainsburys in Kempston. I hadn't been able to get them in Bedford Tesco. Paul loved the grapefruit ones and I always saved them for him. I tried one earlier and started bawling, thinking how much he would have enjoyed it.
It really is the little things that start me off..
It is 35 years today that my ex husband and father of my two daughters, was killed in a horrific accident at London Brick. I often think of him and feel sad that he died so young. He didn't treat me well at times, but I don't regret meeting him, as he gave me my precious daughters. I cannot imagine my life without them.
He was a tall man, like my lovely Paul - good looking, with gorgeous thick, wavy blonde hair and blue eyes, plus, dare I say, other very attractive attributes in a man!
He went to work that fateful morning, in the new year of 1984 and never returned to his home. I had the unenviable task of telling my daughters. It's strange how a life can be snuffed out so suddenly, without warning. No time to say goodbye to anyone.
None of us know what the future holds - just as well I suppose. I don't expect Paul thought he was going to die, in a couple of weeks, after having that first heart attack.
I miss him so much. He was a good man and I don't think I will find anyone like him, to spend the rest of my life with, but then who knows what future is mapped out for me? I'm just glad I have my family and friends to be there for me at the moment.
Sleep well Mick and Paul. I wonder if they are chatting together somewhere?
