To an Unknown Soldier.

A prose poem I'm working on about WW1. All comments welcome.

I couldn't feel the pain, hear the blasts, endure the bloodiness of it all, or see the mental scars that you carried while you still lived, as you witnessed friends and comrades dying around you.

Because I wasn't there.

I didn't see the carnage, feel the gas blister my lungs and scar my body.
I did not experience the sickening, never-ending mud, slowly rotting my feet in sodden boots, neither did I suffer that nauseating fear in my gut, or see those shells that showered around you.

Because I wasn't there.

I never saw the damage, the aftermath of that war.
The hardship of starting over - the poverty conflict creates.  The Spanish 'flu that killed more than the war itself.  The difficulty of carrying on or ever feeling normal again.

Because I wasn't there.

I only know the precious freedom,
we take for granted now -  at least in this country.  I hope we always have it .
Even though it all happened again, I thank you for your sacrifice in the Great War. Yes, the one that was supposed to end all wars.

This is why I wear my poppy with pride.

Because  YOU WERE there.

Results

I was sent my MRI results from Addenbrookes, via my MyChart app as it seems nobody was available to ring me and explain the results in layman's terms. The medical jargon was hard to understand. 

It seems my cervical cancer has spread lower down in my cervix etc but not yet in my bladder or rectum. Nice to know. Yippee, but still terminal  though.

Also had a routine blood test and GP phoned with results. I'm dehydrated, slightly anaemic with dodgy kidney function. 

GP didn't seem to think there was a connection between my cancer and some of the results. Really?  Don't they read your medical history or know what side effects brachytherapy can do to one's bowels? Constant diarrhoea and nausea, despite drinking plenty of water. 

 No wonder I'm dehydrated, plus anaemia possibly due to losing small amounts of blood. You would think they'd join the dots. Still, what do I know. I'm just a stupid old woman.

Waiting Game.

Still waiting for MRI results from 18th July. My consultant is away, presumably on holiday. He usually let me know scan results within a week. His secretary said she would try and get another doctor to ring me, but so far nothing. 

All I want to know if cancer has spread to other organs. Not too much to ask is it? I know it can't be cured and I've come to terms with that.

Oh well..

Yes, still here!

Well, I've made it past the few months to a year prognosis of my terminal cervical cancer, not that anyone ever reads this blog. I still look much too healthy for some people and can still function reasonably well! 

Have an MRI scan next Tuesday to see what's going on down there. Definitely something, as I'm getting more bloated and my innards are more erratic, though not in any great pain, more discomfort really.

 Not sure if extra weight I've put on is the tumour expanding or just me pigging out. Difficult to say as always had a bit of a belly, but scan will reveal all. I feel this might be the beginning of the end for me and its a bit scary to think how bad I might get if cancer has spread elswhere. I suspect it has.

On a lighter note I had a lovely week in Cornwall recently with friends. Tiring, as we packed a lot in, visiting Padstow, Land's End and the Eden Project, Fowey and lots of pretty places in between.  Also a lovely pub in Lostwithiel where we stayed. Had a few Cornish ciders and a great steak meal there. Local fish n chip shop and Chinese takeaway were great too. Another item crossed off my "things to do before I croak" bucket list, as never been to Cornwall.

Paid deposit for my solo trip to Isle of Man in October. Whether I make it or not remains to be seen. I will pay balance depending on scan results. I'll only lose £125 if I have to cancel. 

I've just realised I've been living with this disease since June 2021 though reckon it's probably a lot longer, as I had bloating symptoms for years, but various ultrasounds never showed up any concerns, so I just assumed it was IBS. Maybe if it had been investigated more at the start with an internal...!

Perhaps my 2 covid jabs triggered cancer that was already there, when I started bleeding? 

 I will never know.