Wednesday 26 December 2018

Boxing Day.

Had a lovely day, yesterday, over my youngest daughter's and her partner Tom. His friend Stuart came over too, as he has recently lost his partner also. We all had such a laugh, despite the circumstances, but as I said, Paul would not want me to be miserable on my own, on Christmas day.

A beautiful Christmas dinner and a few tipples made it very special. Grandson Ryan and girlfriend Hannah visited and brought me lovely presents, as did my daughter Karen.

A lovely Christmas day.

Sunday 23 December 2018

Christmas Eve Ramblings..

I woke up early this morning with the theme to  "Dances with Wolves"  playing in my mind. It was the last piece of beautiful music at your funeral, so peaceful and serene.  Does that mean you are around and approve of my choice? -  or is it because I'm always thinking of you, especially on waking. More likely the latter.

I still talk to you and tell you the latest trivial news, such as what's happening in Eastenders. I remember how we always took the piss out of some of the ridiculous storylines, but still felt compelled to carry on watching it. Like many others I suspect!  Soaps can be addictive.  Apparently they are bringing back Lofty and punk Mary. Scriptwriters must be getting desperate.

Going in town later to pick up my prescription from Boots, as they sent me a text to say it was ready - hope there isn't too much of a queue. Anna coming round this afternoon, so want to get back early and cook the rest of the sausage rolls. Pity you're not here to have some as they are very moreish.

Must go now - time for a shower, then breakfast. Not sure whether to dye my hair a shade of red for a change, but at my age, maybe best not to, but then again...

"Just do what you want, Wilson, though I prefer it blonde"  I hear you say.

I'll think about it..

Christmas.

Well, it won't be the same without Paul, that's for sure. He was a real larger than life character, always the optimist and I loved him for that.

We liked doing our own thing at Christmas, opening our presents, mostly watching tv, having a good laugh, eating too much, glugging a few drinks and generally enjoying our own company.

Last year we decided to have a holiday over Christmas and went to a hotel in Wales on a coach holiday. We had a great time and  had hoped to do it again this year, but couldn't afford it in the end.  Just as well, in hindsight, as Paul became ill overnight and ended up in A&E on remembrance Sunday, when he suffered that heart attack.

Everything changed that fateful day and he was only to spend one more night with me, when he was taken ill again, after being discharged from Papworth Hospital and ended up in Bedford hospital once more.

I was too late to say goodbye to him on that awful morning on November 22nd,  when he suffered that fatal cardiac arrest.  I had a call from the hospital about 6 09am, when they told me he was very poorly, so I rang for a taxi, but he had passed by the time I arrived. He was still warm and looked like he was sleeping. I kept stroking his hair and cheek and told him I loved him and always would.

I hope he heard me.

Wednesday 19 December 2018

Little Things...

It's always the little things you miss about a lost loved one and maybe they could be things that even irritated you at times.

I miss Paul's laugh. It was very loud and hearty and I often used to tell him to quieten it down a bit, especially if we were watching some late night comedy.
My next door neighbours have since told me how much they miss his laugh. Not half as much as me, I'll bet.

I miss him saying God bless you and the children, plus the childrens' children every night when we were lying in bed.  I miss him constantly telling me he loved me. I miss those lovely cuddles and his oh so heavy arm, around my shoulder.

He could be a little bit domineering at times, but never in a nasty way. He was just used to taking charge and getting things done. It was just his way and I miss all that.

I miss him washing up and me having to do half of it again, as his eyesight was not so good and he missed bits!  I miss how he watered down the washing up liquid, though it drove me bonkers at the time!  I miss him rubbing Vick vapour on his nose at night, as I used to joke that I was fed up with having Vic in bed with us every night and we'd both laugh about it.

I miss our trips to town most days, going in Betfred, having a modest win on a horse or dog I picked, if I liked the name. I miss his practically illegible writing on his betting slips.  Kierian mentioned it, when I popped in yesterday with a card and chocs for the staff.   It made me smile.  I miss the meals we enjoyed together in our favourite cafe - our days out on the buses. Our holidays together, that we'll never have again. I miss those simple pleasures most of all. I miss how comfortable we were together.  He always made me feel safe.

There is so much I could still say, too personal to share.  Love and miss him so much. It's so hard to bear and difficult to appear okay to other people, though I have to try to get on with the rest of my life.

Paul would not want me to be unhappy.

CARDS


CARDS


Humble folk, with weathered faces, trampling through the snow
Sparkling Christmas tree baubles and church candles that glow
Cheery red-breasted robins that are merrily singing,
In the lane the sound of church bells, joyously ringing.

Carol singers in unison, with their lanterns so bright
Gather in the town square, on a dark snowy night
An old fashioned coach, pulled by a white horse.
Little children playing,  with snowballs of course!

Baby Jesus lying in a manger, amid a stable so bare
Wise men, and shepherds,  in wonder they stare,
Mary and Joseph, their hearts filled with love
While Angels smile down from the heavens above.

These winter scenes and there are many more
Adorn Christmas cards, that we buy by the score.
We send to our loved ones and friends, far and near.
To wish them Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
 


©  Ann Wilson

Saturday 15 December 2018

More Saturday Ramblings.

Feel better after getting to sleep in the early hours -  eventually!
Up and dressed now.

Karen is popping round later with a few bits and pieces for me, ie newspaper with Christmas tv mag in it, plus essential milk and bread.
Not bothering going to town this am.

I haven't been able to face going in our favourite cafe, as we spent so much time in there, albeit happy ones.
My friend has booked Christmas lunch there for 21st, so will definitely make it then. We will have a toast to absent friends no doubt ❤

My life is having to take a different path now, without my lovely Paul.

He would not want me to be unhappy. 

Everyone has been so kind and supportive. Thanks to you all for that.

Friday 14 December 2018

Saturday Morning Ramblings.

Well here I am at 12 30am in the morning, sad, alone and almost destitute, until my housing benefit is sorted. I expect I will have to ring them up soon, as heard nothing yet.  My friend Brenda says it takes them ages to sort it out. Hope they do by the time my rent goes through in January 2019.

If Paul could see me now, bless him, he'd be horrified as he thought, mistakenly as it turns out, that I would benefit from his private pension.  I won't get a penny - though I always suspected as much, so it wasn't a total shock. Our happy 24 years together count for nothing in the eyes of the law.  His dying so suddenly was a total shock. I miss him so much. I wish I'd told him I loved him more often, though of course he knew I did.

This time last year we were getting ready for our holiday over Christmas in beautiful Wales. Little did I know then, it would be our last one together.

Life is truly a bitch at times.  I'm writing this blog post at well past midnight, as I can't bloody well sleep -  thinking if only I could have known his heart was about to give out, should I have been more observant ? - did the hospital really look after him that well, was there more they could have done?  All pointless now - it won't bring him back.

Then I keep worrying about how I'm going to manage financially and I feel selfish for thinking it, because I am at least still alive and kicking and I suppose I should be grateful for that.

I will carry on with my ramblings, as they are a kind of therapy! Depressing reading though, for anyone who bothers!

I fell asleep eventually. It's now 9 36 am. Still in my night attire, lazy daisy that I am - Paul would not approve.

Time for breakfast.

Happy Christmas all x

Monday 10 December 2018

Life

As we go through life, it's our little everyday actions that can mean so much.
A few kind words can make someone feel their worth and know they are appreciated.
A loving hug to someone who has lost their way, can help to lessen anguish and make that person feel they are not alone, especially in those awful times of bereavement and sorrow.
A strong arm around a shoulder can give another the strength to carry on.
A few wise words can mean so much and will be remembered in times of trouble and give comfort.

Never be afraid to say you are sorry to someone. We are all human, we make mistakes and will have many regrets, but it is never too late to heal rifts whilst people are still living. Remember that.

Knowing that you are loved and the ability to love in return, are the  greatest gifts in life.
If you can, try to be kind.
If you can, be just and fair.
If you can, as none of us will live for ever, make each day the best possible.
Love the seasons and never cease to wonder at the beauty of our universe.

Our days on earth are numbered. Make each one count.

Enjoy your one life, try to be happy, laugh a great deal, despite all the odds, plus the adversity that life often throws at us, without warning - but most of all,  just LOVE

Ann Wilson

11th December 2018.