Well here I am at 12 30am in the morning, sad, alone and almost destitute, until my housing benefit is sorted. I expect I will have to ring them up soon, as heard nothing yet. My friend Brenda says it takes them ages to sort it out. Hope they do by the time my rent goes through in January 2019.
If Paul could see me now, bless him, he'd be horrified as he thought, mistakenly as it turns out, that I would benefit from his private pension. I won't get a penny - though I always suspected as much, so it wasn't a total shock. Our happy 24 years together count for nothing in the eyes of the law. His dying so suddenly was a total shock. I miss him so much. I wish I'd told him I loved him more often, though of course he knew I did.
This time last year we were getting ready for our holiday over Christmas in beautiful Wales. Little did I know then, it would be our last one together.
Life is truly a bitch at times. I'm writing this blog post at well past midnight, as I can't bloody well sleep - thinking if only I could have known his heart was about to give out, should I have been more observant ? - did the hospital really look after him that well, was there more they could have done? All pointless now - it won't bring him back.
Then I keep worrying about how I'm going to manage financially and I feel selfish for thinking it, because I am at least still alive and kicking and I suppose I should be grateful for that.
I will carry on with my ramblings, as they are a kind of therapy! Depressing reading though, for anyone who bothers!
I fell asleep eventually. It's now 9 36 am. Still in my night attire, lazy daisy that I am - Paul would not approve.
Time for breakfast.
Happy Christmas all x
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